What are you losing by looking at yourself on video calls?
“Oh god, that’s what I look like when I talk and interact with people?!”
“I look at myself too, but it's to make sure my face isn't doing weird things without me knowing…”
“I saw myself frowning all the time, I thought, 'f*ck I look miserable", I had to consciously raise my eyebrows to mold my face to a more neutral and unassuming expression.”
These are just a few of the comments I saw on Reddit, as people anonymously discussed their experiences of looking at themselves while on video calls.
To be completely honest, I’ve experienced a few of these thoughts myself. It can be distressing to watch ourselves while on a video call.
We’re harsh critics of ourselves
Judging ourselves on video calls includes thoughts like, “I just washed my hair, why does it look so awful already?” and “Will my life be better when I no longer have acne?”, but it extends beyond that.
When we watch our own video during a high-stakes conversation or presentation, our judgment of our performance is worse, according to research. While watching recorded calls is a great strategy for improving your public speaking, this strategy is best implemented later. After your presentation, you’ll be more relaxed and better able to recognize what worked and didn’t work. Watching your video feed during the presentation shifts cognitive energy from speaking and communicating to judging yourself, which makes communicating harder.
Research also reports that watching your video during calls has the advantage of decreasing your expressions of negative emotional expressions, especially anger. While this is a method for reducing negative expressions during conversations, researchers question whether this is an ideal outcome, since it pushes people to confirm their self-image to ideal standards. If you are looking at your face in a Brady Bunch style of multiple videos, you are comparing your expression to everyone else’s to determine what is “right”. Research shows that if you perceive your status to be lower (for a variety of reasons), then you are more likely to compare and conform. Women are more likely to conform their facial expressions to societal ideals than men.
Have you experienced this? I know I smile more when I can see my own video. The societal messages I’ve received about smiling and being cheery are strong. I’m more likable and therefore better when I smile. When I see myself on video, I’m constantly aware of whether I’m meeting those expectations to smile more. It is exhausting to be concerned about impression management while also listening and contributing.
We’re harsh critics of ourselves, but that isn’t the only negative impact of watching ourselves on video calls.
Looking at your video reduces the connection with your conversation partner
“I was Facetiming last night, and out of 3 hours, I probably only looked at my friend for about a total of 20 minutes.”
What happens when we’re looking at ourselves instead of our conversation partner? Research shows that viewing yourself reduces your ability to interpret your partner’s words and behaviors. Instead of looking at your partner’s face for cues as to whether your message is resonating or for confusion, you are looking at your own face. Similarly, when your partner is talking, if you are looking at your own face, then you are missing out on the facial expressions that accompany their message. This means you’ll miss entirely or misinterpret your partner’s verbal and non-verbal communication when they are speaking and listening.
When you aren’t looking at your conversation partner, you are less likely to take their perspective. You need their non-verbal cues to glean the bigger picture of what they are communicating and to understand their point of view. Conversation isn’t just saying something and then the other person says something. The goal of a conversation is to create a shared reality where the people involved shared a bit of their own realities until there is enough shared and understood on both sides to create a shared reality. That’s where connection occurs.
Not understanding your partner is a big price to pay, but that’s not the only cost of watching your own face instead of your partner’s. You are more likely to negatively judge your partner’s ability. You’ll think they are less capable and understand you less. This makes sense, right? You are getting less of the message they are conveying while distracting yourself with judgments and thoughts about your own face. You’re missing their full message.
Check it and then chunk it
My background is pretty dynamic, since I work from home, so I generally start a call with my self-view on to check my background and my hair (maybe this is vain, but it’s true). Then I turn it off.
Generally, this works out pretty well. In fact, I can think of only one time that something in my background happened by surprise and I wasn’t instantly aware.
About a week ago, I was on a call with someone when my puppy hopped up on the couch behind me. The back of the couch was back-to-back with my chair. She propped herself on the back of the couch and was looking over my shoulder. Since she wasn’t touching me and she’s stealthy, I didn’t notice until I felt the vibrations of her teeth on the chair I was sitting in. (Someone tell me this mouth on everything phase will eventually end!) Thankfully, the person I was talking to recently got a puppy too and completely understood our little visitor!
Video calls are happening with colleagues, in interviews, and with friends and family members. These are people we care about or have shared goals with. If we want to best understand the people we’re talking to and be understood, we need to hide our self view, so we’re not looking at our own faces.
Take aways
- Watching your video feed during a call will lead to more self-judgment about your appearance, expressions, and performance. If you are trying to improve your public speaking, watch the recording later.
- You’ll miss your partner’s non-verbal communication if you are watching your face instead of their face. You’ll also think more poorly of them.
- Try turning off your video’s self-view to increase the connection you feel with your conversation partners. How to turn off your video on Google Meet, Microsoft Teams, and Zoom.
References
Bailenson, J. N. (2021). Nonverbal Overload: A Theoretical Argument for the Causes of Zoom Fatigue. Technology, Mind, and Behavior, 2(1). https://doi.org/10.1037/tmb0000030
Reddit. (n.d.). DAE look at themselves more than they look at the other person during a video chat? https://www.reddit.com/r/DoesAnybodyElse/comments/fqfc6x/dae_look_at_themselves_more_than_they_look_at_the/
Shin, S. Y., Ulusoy, E., Earle, K., Bente, G., & Van Der Heide, B. (2023). The effects of self-viewing in video chat during interpersonal work conversations. Journal of Computer-Mediated Communication, 28(1), zmac028. https://doi.org/10.1093/jcmc/zmac028
